OrbitalWrap: burritos, anywhere, in minutes!

Introducing OrbitalWrap, the revolutionary space-based burrito delivery service that promises to bring your favorite Mexican cuisine right to your doorstep, no matter where you are on Earth!

With OrbitalWrap, click a button and you can enjoy a delicious burrito anywhere, and in record time.

Tired of waiting hours for your food delivery? Are the current food delivery options just not cutting it for you? OrbitalWrap has the solution!

Using our state-of-the-art intercontinental burrito machine (ICBM) technology, we can deliver your burrito from low Earth orbit to your location in under 30 minutes.

Did I mention no more waiting for delivery drivers or worrying about traffic? Oh and did I mention, your burrito is guaranteed to arrive warm and ready to eat thanks to our state-of-the-art aerothermal heating technology!

Whether you’re in the middle of a desert, ice climbing Everest, or sipping a piña colada in Hawaii, OrbitalWrap has you covered.

OrbitalWrap spent decades of research and development to perfect our ICBM technology (intercontinental burrito machine). We call our delivery vehicle the BurritoPod 9000.

Each BurritoPod 9000 can fit one large burrito, wrapped in your choice of flour or corn tortilla. We can even make your burritos with spinach or gluten-free tortillas, though our parachutes are known to have a higher failure rate if those options are chosen.

Each burrito is made fresh to order using only the highest quality ingredients, sourced from local farms and suppliers. You can customize your burrito with a variety of fillings, including grilled chicken, steak, carnitas, beans, rice, cheese, salsa, guacamole, and more. Oh, and our refried beans will put the gas in orbital!

Your burrito is then carefully wrapped in our special space-grade heat tape and secured within the BurritoPod 9000. The BurritoPod 9000 is then launched into low Earth orbit (LEO) using our proprietary dual-stage rocket system.

To ensure your burrito arrives warm and ready to eat, the BurritoPod 9000 is equipped with an advanced aerothermal heating system that uses the heat generated during re-entry to keep your burrito at the perfect temperature.

The BurritoPod 9000 is developed with a dual-stage hybrid rocket motor, using liquid oxidizer and solid fuels for optimal efficiency, control and cost.

Here at OrbitalWrap, our goal is to innovate and to push the limits of rocket science. Our team is the first to harvest liquid dreams and liquid hope from our pasture of unicorns. We’re the only ones who know how to work with these propellants.

To design our solid fuel, we polymerize the liquid dreams by adding a dash of anxiety as a catalyst. Anxiety is such a powerful catalyst that we must quickly pour the mixture into our molds under vacuum within 15 seconds, otherwise our rocket fuels are known to explode violently.

Our scientists learned that a touch of disappointment added to liquid hope, harvested from our unicorns, prevents self-catalytic decomposition. It turns out that liquid hope is the most powerful oxidizer known to mankind. It’s so powerful that without a touch of disappointment, it will literally oxidize itself. Liquid hope makes $F_2$ look like a children’s toy!

To pressurize and flow the oxidizer into the solid rocket motor, we use our highly researched and patented turbopumps. Even after stabilizing it, liquid hope still likes to react with just about everything. Thus, our entire pump stage is made of an alloy of 70% Vibranium, 29% Molybdenum, and 1% fairy dust. Our turbopumps are powered by sunshine and rainbows, easy-to-use propellants we mined from the same fields we found our unicorns.

When the BurritoPod 9000 lifts off, hopes and dreams combust into a spectacle: a rainbow of shock diamonds trailing behind as the vehicle climbs. It’s a showstopper!

Thanks to our insane propellant choices and out-of-this-world metallurgy, our team managed to achieve a specific impulse of over 9000, leaving scientists around the world baffled and rethinking rocket science!

Our guidance system is a marvel of modern engineering. It utilizes a combination of hope-based inertial navigation to ensure precise trajectory control during the initial launch phase. To further refine the trajectory, we employ a simple conjecture to predict our location.

Subtracting where we are not from where we’d rather be gives us where we actually are. It’s orbital algebra at its finest. This lets the BurritoPod 9000 correct course faster than an Uber Driver with a GPS.

You can think of it as Kalman filtering, but with salsa. We blend guesses and correction until the BurritoPod 9000 knows where exactly to land. It’s kinda like Sherlock Holmes, but hungrier.

The BurritoPod 9000 occasionally lands in the wrong hemisphere. This is considered a feature.

Upon re-entry, the BurritoPod 9000 detaches from the second stage. It’ll maintain stable orientation through the precise placement of its center of mass and a stable aerodynamic design. The BurritoPod 9000 will rely on the friction and compression of the atmosphere to generate heat, which is then harnessed by our aerothermal heating system to keep your burrito warm.

Once reaching the lower atmosphere, the BurritoPod 9000 deploys a high-drag parachute to slow its descent. The parachute is made from a special heat-resistant material that can withstand the intense heat generated during re-entry. Unfortunately, sometimes the parachute fails to deploy, but hey, that’s space travel for you! At least your last meal was a burrito.

Our rockets don’t just communicate! That would be too easy. Instead, our rockets communicate through SSP, subliminal signal propagation. Translation? Unknown. Reliability? Questionable. Confidence? Off the charts.

Even we don’t know what our rockets are sending back to us. Our telemetry is limited to sending back “It’s ok”, which historically has never meant it’s actually ok.

Welp, space travel isn’t exactly known for being eco-friendly. We figure if you’ve got the cash to burn on orbital burrito delivery, you probably don’t mind a little extra carbon footprint. But hey, we’re working on it! Maybe one day we’ll have solar-powered rockets or something. Until then, just enjoy your burrito and think about the environment later. We’ll try our best to ensure the debris from our launches and reentries don’t impact you.

Safety is our top priority at OrbitalWrap. We have implemented multiple safety measures to ensure the safe delivery of your burrito. Our rockets are designed with redundant systems to prevent failures during launch and re-entry. The BurritoPod 9000 is equipped with a heat-resistant shell to protect your burrito during the intense heat of re-entry.

But hey, space travel is inherently risky. Sometimes things go wrong. If your burrito doesn’t make it, we’ll give you a full refund and a coupon for your next order. Because nothing says “we care” like a free burrito. Discounts are non-transferable and cannot be redeemed for cash. Caskets not included.

Our ICBM technology has been rigorously tested and refined over the years to ensure reliable and consistent performance. We have successfully completed numerous test launches and deliveries, demonstrating our ability to deliver burritos anywhere on Earth in under 30 minutes.

Unfortunately, space travel is inherently risky. Some possible failure modes include:

• Rocket failure during launch
• Guidance system failure leading to off-target delivery
• Parachute deployment failure leading to hard landing
• Aerothermal heating system failure leading to cold burrito
• Aerothermal heating system overheat leading to burnt burrito
• BurritoPod 9000 structural failure during re-entry
• Burrito contamination during handling or delivery
• Your girlfriend breaking up with you since you only ordered one burrito

At OrbitalWrap, Earth is just the appetizer. The main course? Mars!

We’re diligently “working on” the orbital mechanics (translation: drawing squiggles on a whiteboard until someone nods). Fortunately, we’ve already established communications with the Martian market via our patent-pending salsa beacons. The Martians have confirmed two things:

• They are very excited to try burritos.
• They are slightly concerned about our parachute reliability rate.

First delivery ETA: somewhere between 7 months and 7 decades, depending on launch windows, bean density, and whether Mars actually wants us. We’re also trying to negotiate some trade deals to avoid upcoming guac tariffs.

But most importantly, we’re trying to expand into the nachos and burrito bowl markets next.

All deliveries are subject to orbital mechanics, salsa viscosity, and local interplanetary zoning laws. Please file complaints in triplicate, preferably in advance of the mishap.

No unicorns were hurt in this production.

This is satire. Not technical, not real. Any resemblance to actual rockets, systems, or companies is purely coincidental. If you’re reading this and work for the FBI, pls don’t sue me. The only thing lethal about this article is your laughter and the food coma after this article convinces you to order a burrito. Unfortunately, you’ll need to wait on a delivery driver this time.